Post by Zhang Ping on Dec 9, 2016 7:53:40 GMT
The Warzone Abdul-Al Rashid Wang Xi Jintao John Fitzgerald Kennedy II Mendoza Chávez De La Hoya Card Andrey Voronov Sergei Varennikov Archibald Stanford Lexine Baruch Viktor Orlov Xingmin Wu Timothy Brown
Hey guys...umm...this is kind of an odd thing to say...but...I don't think I can roleplay anymore...yeah...and it's not because I did something wrong or something that would earn me a ban...no...it's for more personal reasons...
1 year ago (feels like 3 to me), when this roleplay started, I was one of the original members. RikerZZZ, who took on the role of European Supreme Commander at the time, asked me to come and join. It would be fun, he said, and I joined, hoping to join in the fun of creating my own character for the RotR universe. And you know what? I did have fun. That first round of the RP, I legitimately thought I was creating RotR in and of itself...then it was deleted, gone.
Red Hawk deleted the first round of the RP in a fit of childish rage, but we bounded back with Round 2, where I returned to play the part of probably the one character I've created for any fictional setting that legitimately scares me, and scares another roleplayer here: Omar Al-Ghazi. As the 2nd round drew on, I began to notice OOC changes in my personality...more cold and distant to family and friends, consistently thinking on how I could break the human mind...that sort of thing. At that time, I thought it was just what I was doing in the RP getting into my head and making me think...but when the 3rd round popped into play, then I began to notice it a lot more...well...more malicious thoughts popping into my head. I would think on ways to torture in excruciating detail...looking back on it now, after enjoying the rush of creating a character that had such depth and depravity to it, those thoughts and feelings that I felt OOCly haunt me. It scares me.
Now moving into the 4th round, I'm seeing the same pattern, but this time with Dmitry. It's becoming more and more difficult with each passing day of the RP to distinguish between IC and OOC feelings. Two major events with this come to mind, both of which were OOC arguments between me and Retroliser. You may remember a few days ago where I took his convenient push into Africa very personally. If you weren't there for that, then to summarize...I felt personally insulted and even thought that I was being spited by Retro at the time. Now, skip forwards to today, and we're having a discussion in the OOC chat group, and I end up seeing these extremely personal feelings come back. I ended up insulting and saying things to Retro and another member of the OOC chat with malicious intent in my texts.
If you found that too long to read, well, let's simplify this: I'm beginning to question my mental health and how the RP affects that. I originally joined to have fun, but now I feel stressed, brought down, and depressed by the current state of the roleplay. I don't think I can continue on doing this without a serious risk of harming others or myself through lashed out IC-to-OOC feelings. So, as of the moment of the final posts I make, I will have all of my roleplaying accounts archived (will make closing posts on this in the general roleplay section. One last roleplay post before I hang it up for good, am I right? If possible, I'd like Omar to at least go out with a bang.) and my moderator's account just set as an observer's account. I don't want to leave the roleplay entirely, but I feel that it's bringing me down to a point where I feel it is necessary to end my time as an active roleplayer and move on to just observe and get back to being happier and having a better semblance of who I was before it.
Personally, for me, the roleplay and the hype blimp that came with it is crashing down in a huge-ass ball of fire, and I'm going to attempt to save what I can from the wreckage before it all burns away. Take care chaps, and I wish the best of luck to you for the rest of this round. If I ever come back, it will be as an administrative and observing role more than an active part of the "fun."
Hey guys...umm...this is kind of an odd thing to say...but...I don't think I can roleplay anymore...yeah...and it's not because I did something wrong or something that would earn me a ban...no...it's for more personal reasons...
1 year ago (feels like 3 to me), when this roleplay started, I was one of the original members. RikerZZZ, who took on the role of European Supreme Commander at the time, asked me to come and join. It would be fun, he said, and I joined, hoping to join in the fun of creating my own character for the RotR universe. And you know what? I did have fun. That first round of the RP, I legitimately thought I was creating RotR in and of itself...then it was deleted, gone.
Red Hawk deleted the first round of the RP in a fit of childish rage, but we bounded back with Round 2, where I returned to play the part of probably the one character I've created for any fictional setting that legitimately scares me, and scares another roleplayer here: Omar Al-Ghazi. As the 2nd round drew on, I began to notice OOC changes in my personality...more cold and distant to family and friends, consistently thinking on how I could break the human mind...that sort of thing. At that time, I thought it was just what I was doing in the RP getting into my head and making me think...but when the 3rd round popped into play, then I began to notice it a lot more...well...more malicious thoughts popping into my head. I would think on ways to torture in excruciating detail...looking back on it now, after enjoying the rush of creating a character that had such depth and depravity to it, those thoughts and feelings that I felt OOCly haunt me. It scares me.
Now moving into the 4th round, I'm seeing the same pattern, but this time with Dmitry. It's becoming more and more difficult with each passing day of the RP to distinguish between IC and OOC feelings. Two major events with this come to mind, both of which were OOC arguments between me and Retroliser. You may remember a few days ago where I took his convenient push into Africa very personally. If you weren't there for that, then to summarize...I felt personally insulted and even thought that I was being spited by Retro at the time. Now, skip forwards to today, and we're having a discussion in the OOC chat group, and I end up seeing these extremely personal feelings come back. I ended up insulting and saying things to Retro and another member of the OOC chat with malicious intent in my texts.
If you found that too long to read, well, let's simplify this: I'm beginning to question my mental health and how the RP affects that. I originally joined to have fun, but now I feel stressed, brought down, and depressed by the current state of the roleplay. I don't think I can continue on doing this without a serious risk of harming others or myself through lashed out IC-to-OOC feelings. So, as of the moment of the final posts I make, I will have all of my roleplaying accounts archived (will make closing posts on this in the general roleplay section. One last roleplay post before I hang it up for good, am I right? If possible, I'd like Omar to at least go out with a bang.) and my moderator's account just set as an observer's account. I don't want to leave the roleplay entirely, but I feel that it's bringing me down to a point where I feel it is necessary to end my time as an active roleplayer and move on to just observe and get back to being happier and having a better semblance of who I was before it.
Personally, for me, the roleplay and the hype blimp that came with it is crashing down in a huge-ass ball of fire, and I'm going to attempt to save what I can from the wreckage before it all burns away. Take care chaps, and I wish the best of luck to you for the rest of this round. If I ever come back, it will be as an administrative and observing role more than an active part of the "fun."
)
